I know I haven’t been posting a lot, or at all in the past…well… year… I probably need to do numerous updates as to why, but this one is much more simple.
It’s a rare occasion that I don’t think about my cousin at some point during the course of the day. Sometimes it’s a fleeting thought about something that I wish I knew about her life, or what she would say to me, or the fact that I never gave her the drawing I made just for her.
Sometimes I can let it slide by and continue on with my day.
Other days I wake up from a dream, sometimes it’s a dream where she never got cancer, or that the stupid disease didn’t take her life. Sometimes I dream about trips home to see her that never happened, or ones that did, but I didn’t talk to her enough, laugh with her enough or hug her enough. I’ve dreamed about sitting in the kitchen at our family’s “compound” and having the sliding door open and her beaming smile greeting everyone in the room. All too often I dream about the last time I saw her and how even then, knowing it would be the last time, I still couldn’t get the courage to tell her all the things I wanted to. Those are by far the worst, they are they by far the most heart wrenching dreams I have ever had. I try so hard during the day to focus on the positive and to not live in a past I cannot change, only to be brought right to those points without my own control.
In my last quarter of school, I was going through all the old random video clips I have taken over the years. I was hoping beyond all hope that I had footage of Jess simply saying my name. It’s such a small thing, but it’s something that, more than just about anything else, I yearn for. Needless to say, I still haven’t found any clip, or any voicemail that contains her simple way of saying my name, not even my name, but the nickname that is reserved for only family. But I still have hope that somewhere outside of my fading memory of it, it exists, and I don’t plan on losing that hope anytime soon.
Funny, I actually came here to write a simple post and show a simple picture, because I very rarely like to post about such a personal and emotional topic on such a wide and impersonal space, but hey, Jess always had a way to get people to open up.
This photo was one I didn’t even remember until I started to load others up on my Flickr account. It’s from the last Christmas I would spend with her.
I miss you Jess.